# tame: tame the inner animal

there is this unexplainable thirst for sexual intimacy in me. i cannot explain or describe it. i think a lot of people have it otherwise the porn industry wouldn't exist. it's fascinating to me, i call it my inner animal since it's driven purely by instinct rather than reason.

i struggled with it for a long time. it made me depressed because i didn't know how to quench these desires. i made lot of weird posts stemming from this when this blog was relatively young. but nowadays it's no longer a problem. i find some of those posts pretty dumb in retrospect but decided to keep them up. i think it's ok to be dumb on the internet, i find such blogs more charming.

anyway, i decided to jot down what helped me the most to tame my inner animal. such a post might end up being useful for me later in case it gets too wild again and i need a reminder. i'm not saying these things are generic and work for everyone. no, these are the things that worked for me and i'm just describing my experience.

# exposure

about five years ago i moved to switzerland. to my luck this country is more lax about sexuality.

during my teenager years i struggled with nudity. i avoided public showers, i didn't shower instead, that sort of stuff. but here in switzerland lot of saunas are naked. so we went to saunas with friends several times, all bare, everybody else bare, no shame. exposing myself and seeing others does help get out of this irrational body shame stuff.

but more importantly, here in switzerland there are various courses about sexuality. tantra massage, orgasmic meditation, that sort of stuff. they are multi-day group classes: they explain the basics such as communication, consent, respect, arousal, anatomy, massage oils, various types of touches, etc. then the attendees are randomly paired, they get naked, and practice tantric massage on each other. and then teacher goes around and gives you feedback including stuff like whether you hold your partner's lingam (penis) or touch the partner's yoni (vulva) correctly. all very casually like in a cooking class.

i can highly recommend attending these courses if someone has such interests. they aren't restricted to switzerland only, they can be found in other countries as well. it might take a while to find the right web search keywords, it's not something widely advertised. sometimes they can be found by finding a few nearby independent tantra massage providers and looking for a "studies" or "certification" section on their website.

i attended a few of these and quickly normalized human bodies, touching others, etc. it helped reversing most of my bad thinking habits i had. this shit should be taught in high school. i mean as an optional practical class where interested pupils can learn and experience sexuality in a very intimate way with the help of professional models. if these things are given to teenagers in a practical but controlled manner then maybe they will make less mistakes and/or end up less psychologically damaged. but the world at large is probably not ready for this shift yet.

# therapy

so what if i have a deep desire to have a sexual experience with a different person than my life partner? do i spend thousands of dollars on therapy to try to suppress those emotions or medicate them away? well here's a cheaper way to address that: just have sex with another person if that's what you want. therapy doesn't get simpler than that.

the first step in this process is to open up to your partner. if you have any thought that is bothering you, you should tell that to your partner. that's what partners are for: to help each other. and chances are, assuming you have a reasonable partner that you trust, you can find some middle ground, some compromises, some experiments, etc. it might have some emotional costs but they might just be worth it if the partner doesn't want to live with a depressed, sad, lifeless person.

but this requires a rational partner. if sex is too much of an irrational taboo or monogamy has irrationally high value for them, then it can be tough. but even then, the communication channel must be established and be tread very carefully. it's hard but doable. i even experimented with stuff like @/optioning to help me bring up some topics in a slower manner.

and for communication in sexual desires i highly recommend the @/touch game. it helped me to become more assertive about what i want rather than simply hoping for the best. after a dozen sessions i sort of learned what particular activities make my inner animal the happiest. then i just ask for them from my partner and the obsessive thoughts stay at bay for much longer.

but yeah, i've done sex with professional escorts a few times, and it did calm down the desires for variety. it was a bit scary the first time but it gets easier as one gets more experienced. mature, independent escorts can give a really streamlined experience.

i didn't start with escorts right away though. i started with a few erotic massages and worked up my courage from there. this slow approach was also easier on the partner.

the point is that i don't feel depressed anymore, so i have no regrets. i'm very fortunate to live in a country that doesn't make a big deal from basic human desires and let people buy their happiness if they need it.

though note that this doesn't mean that the animal is fully gone from me. when it sees all barely clad ladies walking around in the hot summers, well, it still goes crazy. but at least i can now manage these uncontrollable emotions without going too crazy myself.

initially i thought i need a secondary relationship and live in a some sort of polyamorous setup. but my partner pushed back against that and it's not like i could find another crazy person willing to enter a relationship with my lazy ass. then i explored the escorting aspect and a few occasions of it turned out to be enough for me. it's much less hassle than maintaining a relationship. the first idea is not always the best. relationships are too much effort anyway, one is more than enough for me. it might be entirely the case for others that a secondary relationship would work better than transactional sex. others might just need counseling or a psychologist. everyone is different.

# busyness

the other thing that helped taming the animal is that i learned to be busy. a few years ago i couldn't finish the simplest of projects. nowaday i can finish anything i put my mind to. i always have a little hobby project i work on every day. @/mornings describes my daily habit (albeit it's a bit dated, i have my streamlined my morning routine since).

the benefit of this is that it keeps my mind busy. it busyloops about my project rather than exploring depressive thoughts and then spiraling into depression. i don't have time for depression. even if i feel like wanting to feel sad, it must come after i make progress on my current project. but the knowledge that i made progress makes me happy and then i don't feel sad anymore.

# age

and the other thing that is changing is that i'm getting older and so does my inner animal. these desires are much less intense compared to what i've felt in my twenties. maybe a few more years and they will completely evaporate and i will have one problem less.

# communicate

that was my journey. if there's one generic advice i could distill then that would be this: communicate.

that's how i started. i started writing dumb blog posts as a means to explore my thoughts. the writing itself didn't solve my issues but it helped me to start talking, exploring and trying things and eventually i found what i need.

don't be shy, talk with your partner or @/stream your thoughts anonymously onto the internet. it's fun!

published on 2024-07-08

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