# msgxchg: exchange secret messages instead of gifts in secret santas

imagine a typical central european school for kids. you have a group of 20 kids who visit the same classroom for 9 or so years. they know each other quite well.

because it's a tightly knit group, secret santa is a very common tradition there. the kids draw names and so they get a secret assignment: give a gift to the drawn person. wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_Santa.

there are other places where this is done: among friends, among employees, etc. i just mentioned the school as an example of a tight group and because that's where i encountered this.

but ugh, i hated this. i never could figure out an adequate gift. i never really appreciated any gift i received. and it felt just a waste of money or effort, creates unnecessary thrash, etc etc. i thought and still think this tradition is silly. my love language is not gifts i suppose.

# alternative idea

i do like the intent behind the game though. so here's my proposal for alternative rules, one that might be more meaningful.

each person draws 2 other people randomly. this is mostly for redundancy reasons and to make the game more challenging. perhaps a software can do the random assignments to reduce the chance of a person drawing themselves.

then rather than giving gifts to each other give 2 messages to each target. the sender has two respond to 2 prompts:

• name a recent action the person did you really liked.
• name an action the other person should do and you can offer help with.

in the second the recommended action should be something the sender truly believes will do good for the target. the target doesn't have to accept the offer but if they do, the person offering should carry it out.

# motivation for sending

both questions are tricky especially if i don't know the target person very well. if i can't think of a nice recent action then i would need to go and ask the target's friends of things the target person did recently and then write something i liked the most. this would increase my social knowledge about my group both by talking to others i normally don't talk to and by learning something about the target. and socializing outside of my comfort zone is healthy anyway.

the second question has similar benefits too. but it also makes me think harder: i have to figure out some activity i would be happy to do with the other person. so here i need to come up with something i can do even if i don't like the other person. teaches me to find common grounds.

here are some example offers:

• i think you should focus more on math. would you like me to tutor you a bit?
• i think you should focus on getting some muscles. would you like to lift weights with me?
• i think you should socialize more. could i walk home with you and chat?

# motivation for receiving

i think it would be nice to receive these too. it's nice to hear someone noticing and then calling out something i did. it makes my heart warm.

the offer thing might be hit and miss. but maybe deep down i do think i need help with math but i never really asked for help. here i can give it a shot for free. or maybe i do think i should socialize more, i'm too much of a loner. an offer for a chat in such case can worth much more than a cheap chocolate.

these gifts have the chance to be truly meaningful for the receivers. with two received offers the receiver will have higher chance to receive something useful.

# process

when the game begins, the participants get the assignments from the admin (e.g. the teacher in the school example). they have 2 weeks to come up with the messages.

then the admin has 1 week to review the messages. there's still a chance that some people might send mean messages or the messages don't fit the prompts. when the admin sees invalid messages, they work with the senders to improve them.

then the messages are revealed to the recipients. this is done privately, other participants cannot see what others received or from whom. and participants should not reveal these even freely to avoid embarrassing the senders and to avoid peer pressure on people who truly don't want to reveal their received messages. such no-reveal commitment might increase the sensitivity and thus the personal value of the messages. it creates unique, secret bonds between random pairs of people. it's called /secret message/ exchange for a reason.

the admin part can be delegated to a computer program if the group is tight and the chance for a misunderstanding is low.

(the admin cannot take part in the game itself. an alternative solution to administration is peer review: each participant nominates a trusted message reviewer from their peers. the reviewer will have a chance to review the incoming messages for and work with the senders to improve them if needed without leaking the contents and the identities before the reveal time. hopefully this would prevent receiving messages that are truly bad fit. the reviewer would significantly bias the messages so i'm not sure this is a good idea but it's worth considering.)

and that's it. this can be played with online friends too, no need for physical presence or even sharing real names or addresses. not that i'll ever play this game since i'm no longer in school or part of a tight group. but something i wish i could have tried instead of the useless gifts. maybe next life.

(also if this is something you would want to try with a group and you need an app then let me know, i can whip together a simple page for this on this site. mention the variant you need. in exchange i'd like to know if people enjoyed this or not after the event.)

published on 2024-06-03

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