# boy: a story about growing up.

boy's life started out quite simple. he lived in a small farming town, he was surrounded by loving and supporting family. he spent most of his early days either fooling around with neighbor's grandchildren outside whenever they were around or just watching television. he liked watching sci-fi shows. as time passed, he started nagging his parents for a computer because that is what he has seen a lot in the tv shows. the parents were financially strapped so it took them a while but they eventually found someone with a very old computer that they wanted to throw out. boy got his first second hand computer. he fell in love with it. he spent a lot of time with it. he was playing video games and also learning programming in the hopes creating new games. as time went on he grew apart from the neighbor's grandchildren since they started to spend less and less time around. to understand the computers better boy started attending a extracurricular computer class. he managed to find a friend there who also liked to play video games. he befriended him and they visited each other often to play games.

boy spent most of his teenage years in a single school. for 8 years he studied with the same set of roughly 20 people. his classmates were nice people, they liked each other. boy was friendly and a relatively good student. he liked attending school. he liked its relatively rigid structure. he went in the morning, attended the classes and then went home. he was a person of habits so this worked well. nothing extraordinary happened in his life and he was happy like that. he kept learning about computers privately. he wanted to become the best programmer in the world. he thought that when he reaches the ultimate computer mastery then fame and fortune will follow and everything will be okay. he spent most of his afterschool time alone in his private room fooling around with his computer.

he started noticing something during his late teenager years. more and more of his classmates started hating school. some of them even skipped some of the classes. some of them started going to pubs or just generally hang around after the school. this was odd to him but he kept enjoying school and always went home to his computer afterwards. on some occassions he went along with others into pubs to see what was it all about. every time he did so he found himself in a completely new environment with many strangers all talking. he did not like the situation. all he could think of is going back to his more familiar places. the topics people talked about were all sorts of things boy had no experience with. music, dating, talking about other people. people drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes. boy completely refused to do those things since he was afraid those acts might interfere with his goal of infallible mental acuity needed for being the best programmer. he completely avoided going to such places. he continued to stay at home outside school.

during his teenager years he continued the playdates with his video game friend. when they got a bit older, that friend introduced porn to boy. friend brought some porn pictures on a floppy disk. boy did not understand it first. so friend decided to do something that really surprised boy: he started masturbating in front of him. he finished with an ejaculation which was also a completely new thing he knew nothing about. friend then said that boy should try this too, it will be fun. boy got curious and said sure and asked for instructions. there they were, two adolescent boys, showing their penises to each other and trying to masturbate. this was the first time boy remembers seeing another penis. he might have glanced one or two in the past but this was the first time he had a chance to actually take a more detailed look. boy had his own penis right there to compare. it looked different. the foreskin on boy's penis did not cover his glans. friend's foreskin could stretch long enough to cover that part. boy then suddenly remembered that he had a surgery on his penis when he was a kid. his parents were sometimes questioning him whether he can "pull off his skin" there or not. he was quite shy person so when the parents insisted on showing it, he just quickly showed that no, he cannot do that. they took him to a doctor who signed him up for a surgery. boy did not really understand the whole thing that is happening around him. he noticed that his penis looks a bit different after the surgery but he did not think of it much and soon has forgotten about it. as boy explains this to friend, boy gets a bit scared about it. did the doctors actually mutilate his penis? friend immediately calms him down that this is nothing to worry about, it is not that important part of the penis. then he instructs boy that he should start stroking itself. boy does but nothing much happens. he does not feel much. his friend plays videogames in the meantime. boy keeps stroking penis as his friend recommends. nothing happened at that point so after a while boy stopped and continued playing video games as if nothing happened.

the penis difference kept bugging him. around that time his school got internet access so he picked a quiet, private corner machine in the computer lab and started researching penises. he learned that the operation he had was a circumcision. he learned that while it is common in some cultures, it is not common where he is coming from. the feeling he got is that circumcision is associated with a stigma. the idea was that it was something that only an unrespected ethnic group did to their babies so if people were to figure out that he is circumcised then they would make fun out of him and would outcast him. boy felt ashamed about this part of him. he felt that this is something he must hide from others.

as most teenager boys, boy kept playing with his penis now and then. eventually he managed to get his first ejaculation. then porn started getting more and more interesting. friend brought even more porn for him. they even masturbated together. porn was exciting for boy. after a while it was not really the sexual act that he found most interesting in it. it was the fact that the people in porn could completely disrobe in front of each other without any shame. it was something he could not imagine comfortable doing himself due to his fear of shame. being naked became a symbol of power for him. he wanted to be able to do what people in porn do. being naked in front of others, being comfortable with the raw human bodies and let him explore other people's bodies and let others explore his. his porn taste was quite soft compared to what was available. all he was interested in was casual nudity. his environment was quite conservative, he did not experience much nudity which made him even more thirstier. in reality he spent most of his time at home, he did not even have the chance to see others in nude, and he did not have the chance to show off himself. though he did not want to show off himself due to his inhibitions. he did not talk about this to anyone. he managed to get through high school keeping all this to himself without ever satisfying his curiosity.

years passed and boy finished his high school and off he went to a big city to study computers in a prestigious university and to experience new adventures. boy entered the real world. he did not really knew anyone in this new place. the university classes were differently structured than his high school. no longer was the case that a specific group is glued together for long hours and are forced to work together every day. it was the wild west, everyone was for themselves. the only thing that saved him was his interest in computer competitions that he started doing in his high school times. he always done well in them. he wanted to continue them in his university. the most prestigious contest required teams with 3 members. he managed to find two other people for this. during his high school years boy was active on a computer forum where he liked to help people. by luck he managed to befriend one person there who happened to start university at the same time as he was. he found another one by looking at past high school competitions to see if there are high achievers in his classes. boy then took the strength and asked one of them to join his team. and so he found a few friends with whom he continued to attend competitions and classes. later they even became roommates in the university's cheap dormitories.

the first three years of the university were quite busy, much busier than high school so that kept boy quite occupied. since dormitories offered 4 person rooms, he did not have much privacy either. he got through these years quite quickly. his fantasies and inhibitions did not change. he was still super shy so avoided anything that might expose him. much like in high school he also avoided all social gatherings. he did not really miss them since he got plenty social interactions from university and roommates. by the end of the third year he also realized that becoming the best programmer was not realistic. in this place he was not the brightest person anymore. this demotivated him. he started caring about grades an his studies even less. he was still a good student but became a lazy one. this and the unfulfilled fantasies made life look bleak to him.

since boy was already quite familiar with computers by the time he got to the university, he managed to find a summer internship place in a nearby big, multinational company. he worked there each summer since his first university break. the company quite liked him so boy agreed to start working part time when he started his fourth year at university. he got disillusioned with the university so he liked this offer. at the same time that year he did not get a place in the dormitory. he was now on his own. when he got the rejection letter from the dormitory, he got a bit scared. he thought maybe he should rent a place since he is now making money anyways. he started looking at rentals, picked the first nearby, nice looking studio apartment and quickly moved in. he did not give it much thought but it worked out well. he got a nice place. he liked it. he was alone. he got back his privacy. he could do anything without anyone looking. the shared living at a dormitory started bugging him anyways due to the incompatible waking hours some roommates lived by.

his daily habit was to go to university for a few classes, then go to work for a few hours and then go home. as weeks passed his disillusion with life and the unfulfilled fantasies started growing. since boy was not spending much time in university anymore, he grew apart from his friends. whenever he got home he started wondering what is he doing with his life. interests in computers started fading. there was not much point to it since he felt that there was not much that he could contribute to the world anymore. there are smarter people around for that and that is fine. most people around that time also had girlfriends, were having fun and yet here he was as a virgin, he had not even seen real naked woman in his life. he did not like the idea of visiting escorts because he was still ashamed of himself. he felt like he could only share himself with a person he knows well. he wanted a girlfriend, a person with whom he could share anything, he wanted a family around himself. some days he went home, to his lonely studio and he went straight to bed and cried himself into sleep because nothing made sense for him, he could not see a future for himself.

boy was quite the lucky person. he had an easy life. parents provided well for him. they did not give him everything he wanted but he got the things he really wanted. he lucked out schools too. he was not bullied, he was around friendly people. he lucked out exams too. he never studied very thoroughly but during exams he always managed to randomly pick a topic he knew well so he managed to slide through high schools and university exams without ever failing an exam. his sheer luck also helped to meet the right person at the right time. on one random day at his second university year he was sitting in the university's lounge area with a concerned look on his face. a girl classmate was sitting next to him. she keenly observed the distress and asked boy what is nagging him. boy explained that last summer he worked in a summer internship and now he is expected to file tax reports. boy had no idea what to do and he was not sure who to ask about it. the girl in question, luckily for boy, happened to have an accountant degree already. girl volunteered to help boy out. boy got super happy about this. girl also happened to live in the same dormitory as boy. all he had to do is go down a few floors in the evening, hand over the necessary documents and let girl figure out the rest. life could not be easier. since she was the first girl he talked to since he came to university, he wanted to have more interactions with her. boy took a big breath and told girl that if she ever needs help with her classes, he is happy to help out. it took a lot of courage for boy to say this since he feared rejection. girl said thanks, she might get back to boy later. she did so eventually. boy went over to her room quite a few times to help with homework. girl had a boyfriend already in her hometown so boy did not think of this relationship much. he really liked the fact that he can be around a girl. boy also liked a roommate of girl's since she had qualities boy could empathize with. roommate was smart, quiet, shy and friendly sounding. boy felt the same about himself so she liked roommate. boy did not meet roommate a lot though since girl and boy usually went to a more private areas to not disturb the other two roommates and that they do not disturb them. boy was quite shy in front of others anyways so he preferred it this way. not much more happened between between girl and boy during those early years. boy happened to hang around girl whenever she needed some help and girl helped out with boy's tax documents once every year.

this relationship persisted even in the fourth academic year during boy's depression. since neither of them were in dormitory anymore, they did their occasional meetings in university lounges. girl was living at her relatives. boy was reluctant to invite girl to his apartment to avoid looking like a creep who is trying to hit on girls with boyfriends. eventually the topic came up, boy told girl he is now renting a studio, and after another courage gathering session he asked that she might as well come over there. to boy's surprise girl agreed. girl started to come over to boy's place every few evening to study together. some evenings she went home quite late. since she was already over to boy's place and did not feel like going home, boy and girl watched movies together or boy was showing off some magic tricks he learned on the internet. what boy did not realize at that time is that girl dumped his boyfriend a few months back. she even told this to boy once but it flew past boy's ears. one day boy was chatting with girl on instant messaging. in that conversation girl got tired and asked to have sex already. this request came when boy was deepest in his depression. girl did not know about boy's depression. that day boy did not cry. all he could think of is girl's message, seeing an actual woman naked, a woman seeing him naked, and the fact that he can have his first sexual experience. when boy got back his senses from the message, his body shame jumped right back into his mind. after a few confirmational queries about his understanding of the original message, he told girl he is circumcised and asked how big of a deal that is. girl told him that such things do not bother her. she then carefully asked if the circumcision was due to medical or other reasons. this question did not bother boy, nor would any answer bother girl but it confirmed for boy that indeed people in his area do associate circumcision with ethnic rituals.

next time girl came over to boy's place, they did not bother with the studies. they just lied on the bed. boy asked if he could kiss girl. she said yes. they kissed. boy asked girl if she could take off her shirt. girl was a bit uncomfortable with this but she agreed. boy asked the same about her bra. girl was even more uncomfortable with this but eventually she agreed. boy could see and touch real boobs the first time in his life. he was very happy. he enjoyed the moment. boy asked about taking off the pants. girl said no. then they just continued lying next to each other. boy was curious, he continued to pester girl. he asked if he could at least touch her vulva. girl reluctantly agreed. boy slided his hand into girl's pants. he touched it. he explored the vulva. it was moist. he then pulled his hand back and put his fingers to his nose. he examined it carefully. he even tasted it just to be sure since he was not sure if opportunity will last or not. his hand then wandered back into the pants. boy continued his blind vulva exploration. his curiosity grew. he asked again about taking off the pants. girl agreed this time. boy did not hesitate, he took it off. he liked what he was seeing. he examined his discovery from a very close perspective. he immediately felt the need to use more senses for this exploration like taste. he slowly started approached his target, and felt it all around. he continued this exploration. girl was not objecting. after a few minutes girl came. girl pushed away boy's face to stop boy's eagerness. she had to rest. the fun was over for boy. hugging and silence followed the fun. girl thanked boy and said that it is getting late, she should go home. she then slowly got dressed and boy escorted her home.

boy was super happy. he now had a friend who fully trusted him with her body. he felt like his fantasy came true. though it was not the full experience for him since his penis had to remain at its dark place last time. however he knew that the time is close. he will get to show off, use his penis and experience sex too. boy walked around satisfied and excited about the future. he knew that more adventure is around the corner. soon, girl was at boy's studio again. over instant messaging boy convinced girl that they should have real sex next time. he also asked girl to have low expectations, he never did such things, he will probably utterly fail. this time both were ready to have sex. boy quickly undressed girl. he played around her body again since boy's fascination with bodies did not diminish. after a while boy also decided to undress, put on a condom, and try to fumble his penis into girls vulva. he went in and minutes if not seconds later he came. he had his first sex. he was a bit underwhelmed though. partly because of his premature ejaculation, partly because of his expectations. boy thought having his penis in a vulva will make the orgasm a completely different, more extraordinary feeling. it was the same bodily feeling as the old ejaculations he had. the difference this time was that he was with another person. he still very much enjoyed it but in a different way. his penis, his erect penis, the ejaculation to boy were increasingly more and more private aspects of life. but here it was happening next to, inside another person's most private body part. to boy this represented a very deep, trusting bond with the other person. he did not care about the orgasm much, he cared about the intimacy he managed experience that day. that is what he felt most satisfied about. sex was a way to achieve that deep intimacy boy was longing for. hugging and relaxation followed.

girl kept going to boy's place and they kept having sex in similar ways. boy tried experimenting a little bit to see what differences are there to the experience. boy was elated. after a short while he asked girl to have a shared shower. boy wanted this so that he can show his body fully girl. so far girl did not really see boy's body. while girl was lying on the bed, boy had to do everything himself. he undressed himself, put his penis inside her, then later cleaned up himself. during these acts girl did not stare at boy's crotch much. he wanted to make himself easier to observe. they had their shower. boy proudly showed presented himself to girl. girl was a bit shy but otherwise acted completely casual. boy was completely mesmerized with girl's body. he could not keep of his eyes of girl's body, he was mentally trying to crystallize the experience into his memory. they showered together all right but to boy it did not feel like girl is giving him as much attention as he is giving her. boy felt the lack of interest but the possibility of being fearlessly naked and having the possibility of freely explore girl's body overshadowed the lack of the reciprocal feeling.

as boy got more experience in sex, his performance improved, sex was great. everything worked like in the movies. girl continued to show generally less lustful interest in boy's body. slowly boy understood that this was not due to his body not being attractive but it was due to girl not as interested in nudity itself. she had a different love language. boy did not feel fully satisfied. he did not even fully stop with his porn addiction. his fantasies continued. he did not hide this fact from girl. boy was super honest. girl did not really mind that boy still looks at porn after boy fully explained how he thought. boy really liked the fact that he can share any uncomfortable thoughts with girl and that the girl accepts those without judgment. such unconditional acceptance was part of his fantasy after all. even without the fully satisfied fantasies boy no longer felt depressed. boy was happy. future was now full of possibilities.

girl started spending more and more time at boy's place. she even started sleeping there overnight. boy liked girl and he liked that she spends so much time with him. boy even fantasized growing old and having a family with girl. after a while they wanted move together but girl did not really like boy's studio because she did not like having everything in one big room. boy's rent was quite high too. girl was thinking about renting a bigger and cheaper apartment. meanwhile girl asked if her former roommate boy liked could sleep one night there. roommate was also rejected from dormitory so she was sharing a flat with 3 other girls. suddenly their landlords decided that they do not want to rent their flat out anymore. she needed a new place quickly and she needed a place to stay until she found a new place. boy immediately agreed. sleeping next to two girls he really liked sounded like a dream coming true. boy had his sleepover pajama party at its place. it was not terribly exciting since nothing happened but the fact that both girl and roommate trusted him enough to sleep in the same bed as him was a very comforting experience. girl slept in the middle so there was no chance for funny business. this way girl did not really mind the setup for a day. next day roommate explained that she needs to find a place not only for herself but also for her sister so she was not sure what she is going to do. boy, girl, and roommate knew each other for a while now and they liked each other. girl proposed that maybe they should band together and rent a place together. everybody agreed. girl and roommate hit the internets to find places and started visiting apartments. boy did not really care much where he lived so he let them do whatever they wanted. he had to go to university and then to work anyways. the girls quickly found a nice 2 bedroom place and the next day all four of them, sister included, visited and agreed to their new place where they planned to spend most of their upcoming days.

the apartment was long and narrow. it had 4 rooms next to each other. bathroom, bedroom 1, bedroom 2, kitchen. flatmate and sister lived in bedroom 1. in order to get from bedroom 1 to kitchen, one had to go through bedroom 2. boy and girl lived in bedroom 2. in order to go from bedroom 2 to bathroom, one had to go through bedroom 1. unless one was alone, there was no real privacy for anyone. girl's former roommate now became flatmate. boy did not really know flatmate's sister until they actually moved in. he worried about this a bit. flatmate previously explained sister is like her but younger so if he likes flatmate, he will like sister too. this turned out to be true. boy noticed minor differences though. sister was a bit less shy, more confident, she looked like she knew what she wanted, like she had her whole life planned out. boy and sister liked each other but boy liked flatmate better since he felt more commonality with her. boy felt that flatmate is also a little bit lost and misunderstood in life so they exchanged banter about who is more clueless in life.

everybody was happy with the arrangement, everybody liked each other. there were no quarrels, group members did not annoy each other. nobody was the party type person so everyone had sane waking hours. days, weeks, months passed. boy continued to have great relationship with girl along with great sex life. however boy still did not really feel that his fantasies were fully met. he was still in his first love's high, he was happy enough so he did not mind that much. he kept consuming porn to make up the void. as summer approached, the outside temperature kept rising. the apartment was cheap because it lacked a few things like air conditioning. it was quite hot inside as well. everyone was sweating like pigs. boy started hanging out in his underwear. flatmate started hanging out in a bikini swimming suit too. girl and sister did not really like dressing down so they kept themselves fully clothed. they did not mind others hanging out half naked. boy liked the lack of air conditioning because he liked what he was seeing: a barely covered body of a close friend. boy was confused though. he was looking at forbidden fruit. he did not know what to do so he just discretely feasted his eyes on flatmate's body. as the rapport between boy and flatmate grew, they became more playful with each other. boy's favorite game was a tickling battle. boy could touch flatmate's in a playful matter. it was exciting for him. at the same time this was not sexual so there was no anxiety about doing the wrong thing in this play.

a year passed, boy liked his situation but he still felt unfulfilled. he wanted more intimacy. he wanted to show and see more. boy learned from flatmate that she did not really like to be nude. she does not have a problem with others being naked around her although she is not that keen into being around naked people. boy asked girl if he can hang around naked around flatmate. girl was not comfortable with that so she said that he should not. boy respected her request. this bugged boy. he really wanted to open up his body to flatmate. he wanted the flatmate to validate his imperfect body. out of desperation he started to act in a very creepish ways. he tried to sit in ways where his underwear does not fully cover his crotch area, to make it look like his penis accidentally slipped out. he wanted flatmate to catch his wardrobe malfunction. it was not terribly effective. he was not even sure what he was trying to achieve. the tickling battles and other games did continue, especially when only two of them were at home. this started to became harder and harder for boy. boy was so obsessed about flatmate that whenever they started playing, boy got an erection. boy was super shy about this. he felt that he has to hide this from flatmate lest she thinks boy wants sex and then she distances herself from boy. boy often had to hold back in the games until his erection passed and only then continue playing. hiding his thoughts, his body and his bodily reactions from flatmate felt wrong but he did not want to make the whole thing weirder as it was already. he had it way too good, did not want to risk pushing his relationship with flatmate further.

boy finished his university studies at the end of his fifth university year. he went working full time. his workplace insisted that he goes for a 3 month training at a very far away place, a different continent even. he did not want to go because he was not keen on going to strange places alone. he did not want to leave his group either. workplace insisted that boy goes. he also worried that this will worsen his relationship with girl. however girl assured boy that 3 months is not so much time, they will be fine as a long distance couple, the job is probably worth it in the long run. boy reluctantly agreed to the training. he packed up, said his goodbye, hopped on a plane and flew away. workplace arranged a private hotel room for accommodation. although around this time internet was already ubiquitous but not smartphones, the time difference between his new place and his old place was quite a lot so synchronous communication methods like instant messaging and videochats were not convenient. he relied on emails for communication. he started one thread with girl and one thread with flatmate. his work training was quite boring and boy was not interested in sightseeing either. outside work he just spent his time alone in the hotel room. he did not have much to say to girl. the email exchanges they had were quite short and to the point. mostly just status updates and long distance word hugs. that is how the email thread with flatmate started too. however in flatmate's case he had a lot of undisclosed thoughts. now that boy was far away and the fact he had started working professionally, started his adult life, he thought maybe he has not much to lose. at worst he could just not go home at all. he wanted to dump all his thoughts on unsuspecting flatmate in email. boy found the email medium much easier to deal with. he can slowly think through what he wants, write it down and then just press a button when he is ready. things he would not have guts to say in person was now possible to communicate through email. this was his fantasy after all. to completely open up to another person. boy wrote an email and sent it. he messed it up.

boy did not thought his emotions and thoughts through. he dumped them on flatmate in raw, undigested form. flatmate had no chance making sense of them. he made flatmate deal with his feelings. she was angry at boy about this irresponsible way of communication. she was was fine with boy feeling emotions and working through them with her but he should take responsibility for them. she tried explaining this to boy repeatedly but boy did not get the message. in the emails boy explained that he is attracted to flatmate and would like to be with her but he also liked what he had with girl. he did not understand what this feeling was and what should he do now. he was sort of expecting flatmate to come up with a solution for his dilemma. for him everything, including his emotions had to have rational explanations. he went on trying to come up with all sorts of silly rationalizations of his feelings, cost benefit analysis of the various solutions, all sprinkled with many self depreciation comments. he presented all this like if flatmate and girl were just pawns in boy's calculations for maximizing his life happiness. all this was unfair and insulting to flatmate. he wrote long walls of nonsensical text and thus made flatmate angry. eventually boy apologized in his own, nonsensical way of writing which flatmate accepted after she realized she cannot talk much sense into boy. they did not talk much about this topic afterwards.

the 3 months slowly passed and boy was back in apartment. he did not like keeping secrets so he explained girl what he did without going into too much details. girl was not amused but since he did not actually do anything sinful, she did not get angry, she appreciated the honesty. girl always trusted flatmate, she knew flatmate was also just a victim to boy's craziness, she did not get angry at her either. the relationship between boy and flatmate got a bit colder but they remained friends. they did not talk about the emails afterwards as if they wished they never happened.

another year passed. boy had a good job. he did not like it very much but he understood that he would like other places even less. nevertheless boy interviewed at another prestigious multinational company in a far away, western country. he did not think much of it at first but he managed to get an offer to work there. boy heard only good things about this company and the offered salary was also much higher than his current one. but it also meant leaving behind the apartment. girl was a little bit reluctant to go too. the prestige, money and the experience of a foreign country was attractive. boy was leaning on going. girl asked boy to marry her already and then she will go with him.

boy understood girl wanted marriage for a while now. for boy marriage was just a technicality but he understood it meant a lot for girl. he wanted to have family with girl so he did not really have objections against it except for one thing. he felt that he had way too little part of his fantasies fulfilled and with girl he will not ever be able to fulfill those. he feared that later he might get a chance or find a way to fulfill some of those fantasies in ways girl would not fully approve of. he might even want to have sex with others. he was feeling a big void in his life and he could not bear the idea of locking away the full human experience forever. he cannot marry girl if he is kept on a leash. girl was sad to hear this. girl's heart was limitless though. he heard boy. girl said he does not want boy unhappy. if he is honest with her, they can work through this even if it meant boy having his crazy adventures. boy was happy to hear this and agreed to the marriage. they quickly married privately without any pompous ceremonies. then they packed up and left for the greener fields.

in the new city boy and girl rented a nice two bedroom apartment and the two of them lived alone. boy was spending most of his time at work, girl was learning the new language. during evenings and weekends they spent their time at home watching movies or just generally being lazy since boy continued to show complete lack of interest in leaving his home. boy was missing their previous arrangement. he suggested that they should get flatmates again in the hopes things will get more fun again. they understood that their relationship with their previous flatmates was very good and it is unlikely that any new roommate will be the same. the previous flatmates were not picked randomly, they knew them well, girl even lived with one of them for a while. they wanted the new, stranger flatmates only for short stays just to be on the safe side. girl was quite the social butterfly. she quickly managed to build up a small social network for herself mostly consisting of expats from her country living in their new city. she could find roommates through her social network, she never needed to formally advertise the free room. their new apartment was more modern. each bedroom had its own bathroom and shower room and the bedrooms connected to the living room directly. no longer was the case that people had to go through each other's private room multiple times per day. each person could have its own undisturbed privacy if they wanted to.

many years passed. boy and girl lived more or less happily. they had many short term flatmates, men, women, couples. for boy none of them felt like what he before. he socialized very little with any of the new flatmates. boy spent most of his time in the living room where he installed his computer. a lot of the flatmates spent their time in their private room. boy had very little contact with them. he could not really connect with anyone. it turned out that there were more benefits for boy in their previous arrangement than boy initially suspected. in the old apartment the door between the two bedrooms was always open. anybody could enter the other room any time and they even had to do so occasionally just to move around in the house. everyone trusted each other so well that this was not a problem. if someone needed more privacy, they went into the bathroom. boy and girl had a curtain around their bed. though boy did not really care, girl felt comfortable like that, especially during sexy times. the other magical part was that each bedroom had two inhabitants who talked a lot with each other. boy and girl heard what flatmate and sister are talking and vice versa. as boy listened in on these conversations, he learned a lot about each person's personalities without actually having to participate. he could even tune out any time without repercussions in case he did not feel like listening to others. through this boy felt more connected to his flatmates and as such he felt it easier to have small talk with them later on. with the constant back and forth walking through the apartment he was even forced to have the occasional small chat. this tremendously improved boy's social skills. all this was unavailable in his new environment. he could not connect with the new flatmates. nevertheless boy still wanted to keep trying new flatmates.

boy was not happy. to escape his sadness he doubled down on his porn. his porn continued to be softcore. all he cared is looking casual nudity and imagining himself in situations where he can share his casual nudity with others and be accepted like he is. whenever nobody was at home, he was looking at porn and masturbating. he masturbated a lot. like most addictive behaviors, it did not help. he became sadder and just masturbated more. he did not think much of this at first. as the addiction spiraled and as he was spending all his time on masturbation he started to get more introspective. maybe all this sadness of his is due to porn. he never really liked the fact that he is masturbating. he tried to wean himself off of it in the past but he never succeeded. he decided to quit it for real this time. it was hard. he had many false starts. eventually he succeeded. he managed to wean off porn and stay free of it for almost a year. he did not even masturbate, all he had is the sex with girl. boy's mood recovered. during that time he was not depressed anymore but he still felt a void in his life. he still felt that he needs more to be fully happy. eventually he did not see much benefit of being fully off porn, so he started looking at it occasionally again. however he learned to have self control. he consumed it rarely and he appreciated it like an expensive fine wine.

time passed. a new flatmate was coming. it was girl's childhood bestie. she was coming for a few months to study language. boy was looking forward to this new roommate because he already knew her. girl forced boy to meet her a long time ago. boy knew that bestie is quite a friendly and easygoing person. maybe he can connect a little bit better with her. bestie started living them. girl and bestie talked a lot with each other. passively listening to these conservations helped boy get to know bestie. she spent a lot of time in the living room, or when she went to her bedroom to study, she left her door open. boy had a lot of chances to practice small talk which he did. he got comfortable around bestie.

it was summer. summers in the new country were quite cold, people were not really sweating. boy's living room had large windows instead of walls. when sun shined, it could get quite hot nevertheless. to compensate boy tried to wear as little clothes as allowed. when alone or only in girl's presence he was often completely nude. he liked being nude because he did not want to hide himself. on the contrary, he wanted to show off himself so that the world accepts him as he is even if it meant sometimes feeling a bit cold. boy was comfortable around bestie so he told her he likes to be nude. he then asked if he can be nude around. bestie said she does not mind nudity but maybe he should not. girl said the same thing. this time had the courage to understand this as a yes. he thought they might be uncomfortable with this but they will survive if he does this. this was big step for boy. this meant bestie would be the second trusted person on earth to whom he could show himself fully naked. he always wanted to do this even with others but this was the first time he gained enough courage over time to actually act on his desires. before this time he was also concerned about his circumcision. by this time he learned that it was not a big deal. in fact, it made him wanted to show his penis even more. accepting his imperfect body would have meant even greater respect than accepting a perfect one. boy started out hanging out nude in front of his computer. one day he acquired the courage to walk to the kitchen nude for a glass of water in front of bestie. bestie was very casual about it. she did not even flinch, mind or even give him much attention. boy started walking around naked even more. bestie continued to act casually. girl was a little bit uncomfortable with this but she let boy live his fantasy out. this was exciting for boy. there he was, naked, and people accepting him. sometimes it was a little bit too exciting him. in those cases he had to go back to his computer corner and wait a bit to cool down. he wanted to show off his erection too so people accept his even more private and shameful aroused state too. that would mean even deeper acceptance. however he was not comfortable with that yet. although it was exciting for boy to be naked in bestie's presence, bestie never acknowledged him the way boy wanted. she never visibly looked at his penis, she never made any comments or questions about his penis. boy wanted to know if bestie noticed his circumcision and if she accepts him even like that. boy did not push the conversation further since bestie had a fiancé at home. he did not want to create any drama due to misunderstandings. one afternoon bestie had a terrible headache. boy offered a back massage. bestie gladly accepted, she loved massages. she lied down on the sofa, took off her shirt and bra in a private manner so boy had an access to bestie's fully exposed back. boy knew that if he is nude he would not be able to go through this without an erection so he put his underwear back on before working on bestie. all this happened in girl's presence so boy did not feel dirty doing this. boy massaged until girl finished cooking their dinner, about 15 minutes. afterwards bestie said she quite liked the massage, boy had good hands. as time went on, boy was getting more and more comfortable around her. however bestie's planned return slowly approached. boy continued to hang out nude to get his fantasy fix until bestie leaves. the time came. bestie packed up, said her goodbye and left without ever acknowledging boy's penis. boy and girl was alone again.

boy was a bit happier than before. he had the chance to physically open up to another person. however this time he missed the emotional openness. boy remained unsatisfied. one experience remained in his mind. bestie complimented him on the massage. he was wondering that if he could massage people he might have more chance to fulfill his fantasies. he wanted to see flatmate's and bestie's naked bodies. he never had the chance. he did not only want a glance, he wanted to study them, really immerse himself in their bodies not sexually but with curiosity. he thought that through massage he could study other bodies and maybe connect with others. he talked through this with girl who liked the idea of boy learning massage and even found a nice class for him to learn relaxation massage. boy signed up and started attending the sessions. it was different from what boy expected. about a dozen of people attended the class and most were women. there was only one other man. first half of each session was a classroom study of anatomy. the instructor talked through a slideshow while the students made notes. she was teaching muscles, bones, skin structure, various diseases, indications and contraindications of massage. the second half was more exciting since it was about practicing the massage on each other. this is what boy was excited about. the excitement flattened when he learned how the instructor massaged. she always told the clients to keep the pants and bras on, she only did back and legs, she avoided massaging the chest and stomach area because that's more sexual to her than relaxing, and she draped aggressively. the students had to follow her teaching. when some girls went to the changing room to dress off and took their bras off so that people do not need to fuss around with their bras, the instructor asked them to put them back on. this way the sessions were quite boring for boy. there was not the slightest chance that he will see anything exciting. he liked the touch, he just did not find the intimacy he was looking for. the massage course consisted of 8 sessions, one session every other saturday. one of the requirements for the massage certificate was to do case studies. he needed to find clients, massage them and then write a report about the session. since he did not know anybody, he asked girl to arrange clients from her social circle. she did so. boy did not want to stray off the protocol, he did the massage the way he was taught. clients kept the underwear on and boy draped them well. he did not mind doing the massages but he did not get his fix from it. he did not know most of his clients either. boy was not good at small talk so he let girl talk with them before and after the massage, boy just did the massaging. boy never asked anything in exchange. he did them for free with the story that he needs them for his case studies. clients reported that they liked the massage. he even had a handful of repeat clients. it was hard for boy to justify why clients should come again. he had his case study about them the first time they came. if they were to come again, there was no easy way for clients to feel that they paid for the service. boy did not want to ask for money because seeing and touching bodies was all the payment he needed.

there was one lady who really liked the massage. she came back many times. boy did not want money so she usually brought cookies. one day boy suggested that he wants to do stomach side as well. lady did not object so boy started massaging that part too. boy also came up with the idea that a massage should cover the buttock area too since there are many muscle endings there. lady did not object to that either. whenever boy was massaging the back, he also pushed down the pants a bit so that he better access that part of her body. one day her adult daughter came for a massage too since she was curious to see what this massage was like given her mother went to boy so often. both lady and daughter had attended some massage courses in their past but neither of them was actively massaging. after the massage daughter gave some tips to boy how to improve his game. she showed him improved draping techniques and she suggested that boy could massage the whole chest area too, even for ladies since that is how she learned. boy really liked this tip. boy hoped that daughter will return so that he can practice on him. she never did but lady did. boy told what daughter said and lady did not object. he told lady she might as well be naked, boy will drape her well. lady was naked under the sheets. boy was happy. an exposed lady was under her hands, covered by the sheets, trusting boy that he will not abuse his position. boy did everything the way he learnt. he followed the draping technique meticulously, lady was never exposed. when boy got to chest area, he uncovered lady, fully exposing her bare chest. boy was even happier. there was lady in front of him with even more trust in him. boy massaged the chest but avoided the breast area because he was not sure he can touch that area or not. when the massage was over, the magic ended. he covered her up and left the room. lady reported that she enjoyed the massage. she came back many times afterwards. boy enjoyed working on her. boy wanted a bit more so he tried pushing his luck. he asked if he could use looser draping in her crotch area in the private hopes that he can catch a glimpse of her private area. to boy's dismay lady said she preferred the ordinary draping. boy continued doing the same massage the same way and lady continued coming back for a while. then the frequency of visits started dropping, eventually she stopped coming. in the early sessions when lady was still a bit uncomfortable about what is expected in return, boy suggested that she does the massage she learned on him. lady said it was long time passed since she done it last time but she agreed. when the time came, she said that this massage is done naked. boy was happy to hear that. he was expecting that he can fully expose himself to someone. she draped well so boy did not had the chance to show his penis off. boy liked the massage nevertheless. she did a quite involved massage, requiring a lot of strength, boy understood why she stopped doing it. boy was doing his massage on the floor but lady's massage required a massage table which was a bit involved to transport over. a while later boy asked for this massage again but lady refused, she really did not want to do these massages so she kept just bringing cookies.

time passed. boy kept thinking about satisfying his curiosity. one thing that he remembered sometimes is his experience with friend. he liked the trust he had there. boy realized since he is not really looking for sex, he does not necessarily need women to have deep connections with. he expanded what he is looking for. he found a male nude yoga group. it sounded weird but it might worth a shot, he thought. he signed up for a class and went there. there were dozen of other guys. everybody disrobed, so did boy. he liked the feeling of being nude in front of others. he took a quick glances at other people but he did not feel comfortable staring so he did not. the yoga itself was in a darkened room, the exercises were quite rapid, so he did not spend a lot of time staring at others, nor did others visibly stare him. after the exercises there was a communal shower. there were two shower rooms. one fit three people, the other only two. boy was one of the last people showering in the two people room. the thought of boy was showering fully exposed in the presence of another person was somewhat exciting for boy. he got anxious that he might get an erection and how embarrassing that would be. to be safe, he quickly finished his shower, left the shower room, dressed up and went home. he did like the experience but it was not as satisfying as he expected. he did not connect with other people. for that he needs to repeatedly expose himself to the experience. however the group is quite far away from his place, quite late, and requires payment, all giving an obstacle for boy. he never went again. not because he did not want to but rather it required way more effort and planning than he was comfortable with.

time passed again. there was not much excitement in boy's life. over time he thought of many ideas but he never really acted on any of them. he always had some excuses. he thought of going to a nudist beach. his problem with this was the same as with the naked yoga. he did not really like the idea of going to beach on its own. he could not even recall when was he last time on any beach. passively staring at nude people would not give boy his fix. it might make him even more annoyed having everyone exposed, yet not being able to connect with people due to his social anxieties and general lack of ability to talk with people. he would need to repeatedly go before he finds the right set of people he can connect and hang out with naked. repeatedly going to a nude beach was infeasible for him because he lived in a cold and very religious country that did not have public nudist groups. he did not want to go alone either. girl did not really like the idea of going to nudist beaches. she was not opposed to clothing optional resorts but she preferred not to if she had a chance. boy never pushed this idea further. boy also thought of using escort services. even with girl's approval, he could not do it. he does not like going to a stranger's place, paying large sums of money for connection. he would not feel it genuine. the temporary connection he would get would be over after the session. boy wants a lasting connection. a friend with who he could talk for hours, maybe through email. he then thought of finding email penpals. he found a few people on online forums with whom he started talking. he started threads with more people but only a few of them had a style and content resonating with boy. he slowly opened up with those and started sharing very personal thoughts. as the length of the letters grew, the email threads he had slowly died off. he did not want to push others to keep the discussion since he did not even know who the others were. although he did not talk about it, boy wanted to know the people in real life even if he only talked to them through emails. he wanted to be sure that in case he fully opened to the other person emotionally, he had the chance to open up physically. for boy talking with distant strangers on the internet meant that there was a very little chance for the latter. he thought of using dating sites instead. he did sign up for a free site in the past but the fact that he had to start discussions was quite daunting for him. he never felt comfortable initiating. he always closed his accounts after long periods of inactivity.

time passed again. boy and girl started approaching their thirties. girl wanted children. boy was not that keen on the idea since that meant giving up a lot of his freedom. he feared the amount of time and effort the child will need. he feared the chance of having a high attention child. girl insisted. nevertheless boy wanted to keep girl happy. boy agreed to the idea of children and a year later they had their son. boy wanted to avoid being a bad father. he wanted to ensure when he is at home, he never ignored son. son turned out requiring a lot of attention. boy had to hold and carry son a lot to calm son down, to stop him from crying. boy was happy to do that. he started spending less time on his computer. he did not mind that, since he was mindlessly consuming the internet most of the time anyways. when the initial shock of the new baby subsided, boy's desire for more connection and sexuality in his life was back on his mind.

[to be continued, maybe.]

published on 2018-06-10

to the frontpage